I'm sure I probably got this idea from RateYourMusic as there are a chockful of crazy lists goin' down. Or maybe that was bad albums by great artists? So I swipe the idea, put in some actual comments (as that's what's missing from a lot of these type of journal posts), and take it to the bank, right? I don't what I'm talking about, I just feel the need for an intro to ease, you, kind curious reader into the list of horsecrap moments from bands (who I consider at least) to be superbly magical masters of sound creation in the highest realm. Or something.
Teenager in Love - This is a cover song, sure, but.... uggh, not even the
Red Hot Chili Peppers can overcome what a terrible song this was to begin with. Maybe it's me being bitter, maybe it's that ass Rayman game for the Wii but it's most likely the fact the song was a pile of horsecrap before the Chilis tackled it or before it was chipmunk'd up. Cotton Eye Joe awful.
Technologic - Plus all the remixes; makes Hamtaro look like Parklife. Well, not really. The atrociously hellish Alvin vocals mixed with a belching of 'yeah, yeahs' that sound like Crazy Frog while plastered that kick in later must've caused techie techno listening multitaskers to be sent to an insane asylum with Lloyd Braun. The fact that this song came from the minds that brought us Digital Love and Fresh is really, really, kinda heartbreaking (really kinda? huh?). Of course,
Daft Punk stumbled with a film endeavor, too, soon after the mostly mundane
Human After All album... half hour wandering in the desert before anything happens anybody? Electroma was bloated and pretentious. At least they paid tribute to the absolute best in the film; Stanley Kubrick eat your monoli... er, heart out! [AC - I suck.]
Blow By Blow - Put simply, song blows. I hate to say it, but I speak for 'da people'! Granted, the
Time line-up in this long-lasting always revolving door of a band, was the least successful (Time didn't even chart). But even though Behind the Mask was much worse in my opinion (More Billy must've pushed that one over the cliff, and Rick Vito plays a clone version so together the two half-talents can equal L.B.'s skills... except that doesn't work at all in practice as two mediocre people never equal talent), I have to admit that out of all FM's recorded output this is the worst song (live incarnations are a different matter; TITN tour when Billy and Rick had to sing Buckingham penned hits... I threw up in my mouth a little). First of all,
Dave Mason's style didn't fit the band anyway. Secondly, the lyrics are so half-baked sounding and the music tries to sever adult contempo ties that bind Mason that it sounds desperate to rock and fails. Lastly, Christine hated Dave. Why did Mick think it would be good to have him around? I've said it before, but not here: Blow makes
Eric Clapton's
It's in the Way That You Use It a tolerable listen. Yikes. If that's a recommend though then I'm Touche Turtle!
Love Hurts - Possibly the only album track by these guys I'll never get. Mike's guitar that is tuned to sound like an organ (don't know enough about music theory to 'get' that) is the only thing worthwhile. The lyrics here are so mundane. I'm aware the song is supposed to be addressing a well known cliche (see: the chorus), but it's kind of ironic how boring the lyrics really are. It's like
Incubus would like to stoop real low on this track so they can hang with Hoobastank (I'm talkin' The Reason, people!). Unfortunately they played this one live the first, and only thus far, time I saw them live. It was the only time during the concert I really tuned out. I kept entertained by watching two people crowd surf to this song, which is laughably pathetic... wait 'til they place something off SCIENCE or Make Yourself, ya silly shits!
Vera - Forget Dogs of War because in my somewhat controversial opinion,
Pink Floyd's few worst moments come from the bloated, overrated. Now hold the hate (pigeon) mail, because I'm not saying The Wall isn't good (CN is in my top 20 PF songs), but their less popular earlier work is lightyears ahead... in another dimension. At least this slice of whiny solo-effort-in-disguise fodder is a brief minute and a half. Half songs for the... loss!
De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - Had to look this one up because I can never remember what the heck it's called already! It's essentially
The Police's Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (had to look up that one, too; Google is my friend). Something like
Sting wanted to make fun of pop conventions and how it doesn't matter what you say, as long as you got a hook, you'll sell records. I don't know, but it's not funny or catchy. It might make Zenyatta the least consistant Police effort as only half way in you have to press skip (so I wouldn't bother with this one on vinyl). Anyways, thinking about not thinking wasn't a very good thought in the first place. That's what I think.
Frolic Room - Being one of the first bands I was obsessed with when I was younger and a band I hold kind of dear (that sounds rather wimpy) as they got me through some tough times in grade 8,
311 have always been very consistant in my opinion. And even as my tastes developed in high school and again much more so beyond, I could usually rely on these guys for a good , nostalgic listen from front to back every once in a while. But on 2005's
Don't Tread on Me, they became lazy I'll admit. They already had rewritten Flowing on Evolver and with DTOM they settled into the summer grooves they were known for a little too comfortably. First up, I've got to mention 'Waiting', which was a close contender based entirely on S.A. Martinez's laid back, phoned in bit. Remember this is the guy who used to rap about alien conspiracies, foo-fooing on a cop's face after getting pulled over and portals to other galaxies. On Waiting, between Nick's sleepy (sleep-inducing, even) chorus, S.A. says he's got some money and headin' on down "to the pawn shop/[...]what should [he] get?" Well what about a "boom box, boom box, boom box, YEAH!". Oh, yeah!! Wait... that's horrible one of the worst things I've ever heard of... except for three tracks prior, which is easily the worst 311 song ever; Frolic Room about Nick's favourite LA hang out (post-Nicole, of course). A lame attempt to be put on the jukebox at that bar, and that bar only the lyrics about the pretty girls and vagrants chillin' there are worse than tabacco mouth. Nick, you paid your dues to them; mentioned on Guns (are for Pussies) and Livin' and Rockin', from 311 and Soundsystem respectively). Let it go!
Girls - I'm all for songs about the ladies... HEY LADIES, GET FUNKY (cowbell clang X2). This song ditches the
Beastie Boys' usually clever triple attack rhymes for some playful wordplay (well, more like misogynistic quips if I'm honest) about women. Doing dishes, cleaning your room, Adrock? Careful, buddy. How did you guys get laid after performing that? Oh, right, drinking. Riiiiiight. Shows were crazy back then. Anyways, I could pretend this song isn't Beastie Boys, nay, that it doesn't exist, as this came from their debut; the only B-Boys full-length I never purchased and after acquiring it illegally and deleting a few songs (firstly, this disaster), I'm not missing much. For class of '86 only.
Uggh, that was fun in a painful memory way, but it's fun to bitch sometimes, innit? Maybe (most likely, even) I'll do another part. Surely there's many more pesty buzzkill tracks from brilliant artists. In the meantime, feel free to post yours and we'll all have a (e-) pint and discuss.
Sting
